This decision was never made easy. I have tried it previosuly and failed. This is coming from someone who have dieted their whole life. I’m now determined to reach my ideal weight with no dietry restrictions.
How it Started
My relationship with food was a toxic one. I was never really full and if I was, it felt like I did not deserve it. It felt like I should empty out my inside to prevent myself from growing bigger. Starving myself felt nicer because it meant that I’m closer to being skinny. Ever since I was young I was taught to carefully watch my food intake. My portions were smaller compared to my siblings. I was never asked if I wanted more in my plate. My appearance and the way I looked was more important than how I felt. I formed a strong belief that the world would not accept me if I was fat. Fat girls aren’t fit for love. Fat girls are meant to be miserable and shunned. And here, I’m using the word “fat” very loosely. Fat is not a measurement for health. Fat is an added ingredient in food. Fat is an organic compound.
The Journey
I started my no-diet lifestyle first week of December this year. I had full meals and ate chocolates and sweets to my hearts satisfaction. I made sure that I was happy with my choices. I journaled my thoughts on how I felt about gaining weight. It was honestly difficult seeing my body grow. I had a meltdown during the second week because, a part of me is still healing from the fear of eating. My therapist told me it’s normal to have such fears because I have linked being thin with being loved. Humans need love to survive and I’m simply acting upon my survival instincts.
There’s so many instances where I wanted to give up and return to back to my old habits. But my goal was that I wanted a better life for myself. I didn’t want food to govern my life. I didn’t want my weight to be an obstacle for me to acheiving anything in life.
For anyone struggling with the same, I just want to say that you have the option to do better for yourself. It’s okay to eat. It’s okay to grow bigger. It’s okay to buy new clothes; clothes that actually fit you. Clothes are meant to fit you, not the other way around. It’s not the same. You can improve the image you have of yourself by slowly accepting things as they are and understanding your needs. Food is meant to nourish you. It is not your enemy for you to protect yourself from; to restrict and discipline. I’m sorry if the world made you believe otherwise. Unlearning things is a part of growing. I hope you can see that. You are much more than your weight. Start loving yourself for more than that.
