Previously on twitter, I have made an argument against equal financial contribution within a marriage. This is coming from my own personal beliefs of male and female roles in a marriage. I supported my point of view with an article that is profoundly Eurocentric (which is unfair from my part). Although some of the points mentioned in the article may stand true on a global scale, they lack many aspects of a wealthy, modern, progressive country such as the United Arab Emirates.
Gender Equality in the UAE
“In 2018, the UAE Cabinet approved a law on equal wages and salaries for women and men. The law is in line with the government’s objective to ensure the protection of women’s rights and support their role in the process of national development.”
https://u.ae/en/information-and-services/jobs/gender-equality-in-the-workplace
According to this law, female workers are granted equal pay when performing the same work. This major aspect must be added to the conversation when talking about marriage and gender roles.
Background
Historically, men have been responsible for covering most of the finances of a marriage — from the ‘mohar’ (endowment), the wedding ceremony, to household expenses. This is embedded in our religion and culture. For some men, they have no issue in succumbing to this ideal but, for others, it served as a great burden. It made getting married much more difficult.
This has led to many issues including debt, divorces and the drop in marriage rates. Many Emirati men choose to marry from outside or give in to a prolific and ludicrous dating lifestyle.
After careful consideration of these aspects, I understand why there should be equal financial contribution within a marriage. However, I would like to raise a few points of why I believe that men should still cover most of the bills in a marriage.
Reasons Why Men Should Pay More (Simplified)
The levels of power that males and females hold in society are distinct. Men attain their socioeconomic status by their ability to provide for themselves and their family. They are less likely to lose power or social status if their marriages dissolve. Women, on the other hand, are at often times scrutinized for having a career and prioritizing themselves. They expire once they reach a certain age and become less desirable if they are divorced.
Secondly, patriarchy governs our society. As long as we live under patriarchy, gender equality is not possible and so to expect women to contribute 50/50 is unreasonable and unjust. Not all women have the freedom that is generously given to their male counterparts. Many families still oppress their women and force them to play the passive female role. This issue will continue to persist and affect the generation to come despite our strides and ambitions.
Thirdly, there are different types of marriages. Traditional marriages are mostly transactional until the two fall in love or get accustomed to each other. A man may choose his wife on the basis of looks and their ability to cook. Why can’t women choose men on the basis of their ability to provide?
For marriages that are based on friendship/dating, gender roles can be more fluid. Both can contribute to a marriage in their own ways. However, it is not okay for a man to make it as an excuse to treat women as their equal. Forcing her to provide the same amount and manipulating her into pulling the same level of effort.
Example: pushing her to get a raise so she can cover more of the bills.
Fourthly, tending to traditional gender roles makes for a stronger marriage. Women and men are built differently. They behave according to their emotional and mental needs.
“Biological theorists propose that girls and boys show innate differences that are related to biological factors, existing either prenatally and/or at birth (e.g., genetic differences existing prenatally that may underlie behaviors that emerge at birth or unfold in later development) or that occur at a later point in development (e.g., differential increases in androgens and estrogens at puberty, activating neural emotional arousal systems). These biologically related differences would then contribute to gender differences in behavior.”
Chaplin T. M. (2015). Gender and Emotion Expression: A Developmental Contextual Perspective. Emotion review : journal of the International Society for Research on Emotion, 7(1), 14–21. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073914544408
These behavioral differences is the reason why men and women exude different energies. This can be explained by the Taoist symbol Yin-Yang. The Yin can be understood as the feminine energy: the receptive, nurturing, and passive force. The Yang is the Masculine energy: the assertive, direct, and action-oriented force. These two forces depend on each other to exist.
This is of course not to say you do not have both feminine and masculine energies. Both exist but one remains dominant. The reason why I raised this is because the ability to provide and support is a masculine trait. Women can provide in other areas, their nurturing and caring side balances out the financial aspect in a marriage. Meaning, they will always end up giving more as it comes so naturally to them.
*Please, please.. don’t get me started on our complete negligence of male mental health issues. To be express emotion is not weakness. But that is for another blogpost.
Moreover, men who do not occupy the role of the primary breadwinner undergo a masculinity threat. They tend to feel the need to assert their masculinity in other ways.
“For men, especially young men, the dominant definition of masculinity is scripted in terms of sexual virility and conquest, particularly with respect to multiple sex partners. Thus, engaging in infidelity may be a way of reestablishing threatened masculinity. Simultaneously, infidelity allows threatened men to distance themselves from, and perhaps punish, their higher earning spouses.”
This does not condone cheating. In the end, cheating reflects your fragile ego and the lack of moral compass.
Finally, as a traditional feminist, I would like to have the option of being a stay at home wife/mom. I naturally lean towards a home based career and I want to be there for my children should I have some of my own. This positioning affects my opinion on the issue at hand. I understand the conflict and why the present generation support the idea of equal financial contribution in a marriage. However, I remain true to my beliefs and values.
